13th of November

Today would have been Phil's 20th birthday.  We had a family brunch, which would have made Phil proud, baked eggs with proschuitto and sun-dried tomatoes, bruschetta, marinated fetta, avocado, mushrooms, fruit salad, chocolate croissants and to top it off we did a coffee run and got take out coffee.  Somehow everything synchronised and the everyone, coffee and eggs arrived and were ready at the same time!

I've felt so sad today.  Much sadder than I expected.  We spent time today talking about memories of Phil as we are trying to plan what to write on a plaque to go near where his ashes are buried.  It's a happy and sad thing hearing stories about Phil that I haven't heard before as different family members recall different events from time to time.  Mum shared one today.....

Mum and Phil were talking about heaven on the night Phil died.
"You're going home" she said.  
"Home," he replied and gave her a big hug.

So many tears right now, I need to stop typing and find a tissue.
My perspective is so small.  I want his home to be here, in Warragul, down the hall, first bedroom on the left.  Not somewhere far away where I can't see him.  But he is home, safe and sound, where we will one day be.  But in the meantime I don't feel at home without him.
 
Kris x

grief...the uninvited.

The last few days, I have been missing Phil so much.

Grief is a strange creature that seems to come and go as it pleases, with no regard for the people that it pays visits to and the timetables they may have.

There is so much to miss.  So much to be so thankful for too.  I cried and cried the other day when I was remembering Phil telling me he loved me for the last time.  But not everyone gets that opportunity.  Such a painful, yet special memory. 

I witnessed the baptism of three students this last week at work.  It was such a happy occassion.  But the flashbacks to Phil having a stroke on the night before his baptism and the days and months that followed are flowing thick and fast.

I miss this kid.  More than I can say. 

Kris x

missing.

I miss Phil. 

I stayed at Warragul with friends on the weekend and a four year old slept in Phil's room.  His dad had told him that it used to be Phil's room.  So when he had the opporunity to talk to me, Simeon said... Miss Kris, I have something I want to ask you about....  He wanted to know when Phil would be coming back, I told him that Phil was in heaven, because he loved Jesus.  One of the things I love about kids is that they aren't embarassed by tears, it made me cry as I told him, but he didn't seem to mind, or be put off the discussion. 

But I really miss Phil, and I'm sad that he isn't coming back.  He would have loved to be at home this weekend just gone.  We had such fun, made so many fat jokes and told many stories about him.... and he didn't come back. 

Kris x