Wednesday, March 21, 2012

it's not the hollowness that's left behind that makes us miss you, the world moves on, filling and pouring and overflowing our cups. It's the idea that our lives could have been quite different and you could be here sharing it. It's also the memories of you that constantly fill my mind and my foolish heart is never quite convinced that you aren't really around the next corner or behind that closed door waiting to see me.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

13th of November

Today would have been Phil's 20th birthday.  We had a family brunch, which would have made Phil proud, baked eggs with proschuitto and sun-dried tomatoes, bruschetta, marinated fetta, avocado, mushrooms, fruit salad, chocolate croissants and to top it off we did a coffee run and got take out coffee.  Somehow everything synchronised and the everyone, coffee and eggs arrived and were ready at the same time!

I've felt so sad today.  Much sadder than I expected.  We spent time today talking about memories of Phil as we are trying to plan what to write on a plaque to go near where his ashes are buried.  It's a happy and sad thing hearing stories about Phil that I haven't heard before as different family members recall different events from time to time.  Mum shared one today.....

Mum and Phil were talking about heaven on the night Phil died.
"You're going home" she said.  
"Home," he replied and gave her a big hug.

So many tears right now, I need to stop typing and find a tissue.
My perspective is so small.  I want his home to be here, in Warragul, down the hall, first bedroom on the left.  Not somewhere far away where I can't see him.  But he is home, safe and sound, where we will one day be.  But in the meantime I don't feel at home without him.
Kris x

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

grief...the uninvited.

The last few days, I have been missing Phil so much.

Grief is a strange creature that seems to come and go as it pleases, with no regard for the people that it pays visits to and the timetables they may have.

There is so much to miss.  So much to be so thankful for too.  I cried and cried the other day when I was remembering Phil telling me he loved me for the last time.  But not everyone gets that opportunity.  Such a painful, yet special memory. 

I witnessed the baptism of three students this last week at work.  It was such a happy occassion.  But the flashbacks to Phil having a stroke on the night before his baptism and the days and months that followed are flowing thick and fast.

I miss this kid.  More than I can say. 

Kris x

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I miss Phil. 

I stayed at Warragul with friends on the weekend and a four year old slept in Phil's room.  His dad had told him that it used to be Phil's room.  So when he had the opporunity to talk to me, Simeon said... Miss Kris, I have something I want to ask you about....  He wanted to know when Phil would be coming back, I told him that Phil was in heaven, because he loved Jesus.  One of the things I love about kids is that they aren't embarassed by tears, it made me cry as I told him, but he didn't seem to mind, or be put off the discussion. 

But I really miss Phil, and I'm sad that he isn't coming back.  He would have loved to be at home this weekend just gone.  We had such fun, made so many fat jokes and told many stories about him.... and he didn't come back. 

Kris x

Monday, September 27, 2010

A year....?...That's a bit rude!

I should have written a post on here a few months ago, but never got around to it.  On Wednesday it will be one year.

I had a really vivid dream about Phil a couple of months ago, which made me Phil like I had just seen him for a few weeks to follow.

I was lying on my bed in Warragul and Phil came and was lying next to me, I had been feeling really encouraged in my walk with God and Phil was asking me questions about it.  He knew at that point (in my dream) that he was going to die (I think...) and he was asking me stuff about how he should be living and what he should do, and for some reason he thought he should ask me about it.....

Then next thing we were driving along in our old mitsubishi express van (Phil and I), it was night time.... Phil was driving.... now Phil never learnt to drive.  He got his Ls but had his brain stuff so wasn't allowed to drive.  So we are hooning along in the mitsubishi van and I'm saying...but Phil you can't drive!....... and he was like, yeah I learnt how to........anyway......some how we got stuck on some rail crossing (a random dream moment when the car shrank really small and got stuck between two sets of protective didn't get hit by the train but very close.....column shift manuals are always an adventure...particularly under pressure!... anyway when we managed to get across the crossing we pulled over to regain our composure and all these people hopped into the car - they thought we were some kind of taxi and it turned about they were planning on coming to our house for Christmas.....or some kind of celebration.

Anyway.  I don't know if that will make any sense to any of you.  But I woke up feeling like I had just seen him, I can still here his voice from the dream in my head.

I really miss Phil.  I thought that a year would seem like a long time, but it's not.  Phil's wallet is still in the same place on the bookshelf in his room. (Other things in the room have been changed but noone has got around to cleaning that shelf....), it's only one year.

At a birthday lunch the other day it came out that when Mum was pregnant with Melinda the doctor thought she might have been twins (only because of the position she in), but I'm rather disappointed that Phil never got to hear that... imagine the fat jokes he would have made.

Not sure what else to say, but I wrote a song a few years ago, and it is kinda random how some songs I've written almost get more relevant as my life progresses.....weird...anyway the chorus goes like this:

Time heals, or so they say
But it it wasn't for time there wouldn't be anything to heal
I wish I could go back to days of innocence long gone.

That's what I wish.

Kris x

Friday, August 27, 2010


We've always had a bit of a tradition on family holidays.  We arrive at whatever place we are staying, get settled, and within a couple of days we have found the local minigolf course, and have to go there atleast once during our stay.  You might be surprised just how many towns have a minigolf course. 

Phil always loved playing minigolf.  He was good at it too, and always competitive, while managing to have a great deal of fun!!  In the above instance, mum, dad, Phil and Jen were on holidays in Tasmania, and in usual style, had found somewhere to play minigolf.  Jen somehow managed to hit her ball into the water under the bridge, and left mum dad and Phil to fish it out while she took photos!

Last year Phil and I decided we would do a minigolfing tour of Australia.  Even after he had his stroke he still joked about it in his amazing positive way.  What a trooper :) 

Wish he was still here for more adventures. 


Thursday, April 8, 2010

Most mammoth post ever.....

Dear friends,

Im not really sure where to begin...but as I have been essay writing of late I feel like I need to give a bit of an outline of what this crazy long entry is going to contain........but not neccessarily in this order...

- 6 months!
- burying the ashes
- relay for life
- views on the blog

Life rolls on strangely....but everyday Phil is still not here.... which is weird.  I'm not sure if I've said this on the blog before, but, when Phil first died it wasn't heaps weird that we wasn't at home, cause he had been in hospital or he had been asleep in the front room, not really able to be a part of normal family life.  But as the days have gone by the memories of Phil being an active, noisy part of our family have grown less dim.   I miss him so much.

Last Monday, the one before East Monday it was 6 months since Phil died....I can't believe that is it that long and that short.  Someone (who knows who they are), asked me some very difficult but good questions..."How does it feel?" (being sixth months), honestly, everyday it feels like Phil died yesterday, some days are worse than others.  Phil dying never seems to be in my distant memory, it's right there, all the time.

The other question, which produced many tears was.....What is your fondest memory with Phil?  There are so many.  Phil always held my hand when we were walking down the street, I think it was because I was the older sister who didn't live at home or Phil, Mel and I (maybe Jenny too) all curled in bed on our family holiday last year. Phil telling fat jokes about Melinda.  Phil texting me cause he was annoyed with Mum for not knowing what colour toothbrush he owned!  Mel and I peppering poor Phil with banana Jellyfish at the beach.....

On Sunday (Easter Sunday) we buried Phil's ashes in the front garden.  Easter Sunday is an encouraging day to do something like that...  Dad and another friend both said to me, that they appreciate Jesus rising from the dead and the hope that gives us so much more than they did before Phil died.
That's the ashes....

The girls each read a passage from the Bible about the hope that we have because of the resurrection.  I put the ashes in the hole and Ben covered it over.  Dad prayed...and included a fat joke about Melinda in his prayer....

In true Guilford style..we ate an amazing lunch...Phil's pork recipe, and then this delicious cake...(thought you fellow foodies out there needed to see a picture) was like a chocolate sponge with chocolate ganache and raspberry goodness....then mum put it in a big cake tin and poured raspberry mousse over it... so delicious!!!!!
Relay for Life!
So a few weeks ago kids plus the adopted siblings of the family.... Johnson, Tim, Dolly and a few more ring-ins participated in Relay for Life.   It was lots of fun, we walked around and around and around the velodrome in Warragul.... we had to carry a baton, we reckoned we had the coolest one there...Phil's prosthetic leg....

We had a great tent provided by the Martin's.... when we first got there I was a bit jealous cause our tent was closed and everyone had these open pagola type of things....but as the weather got colder and the dew fell, we were dry and warm...and were able to sleep between walks...very cosy....(as the night wore on we walked in pairs half an hour at a time) the tent was it was very cool.

I think we raised about $1600 dollars!  So thankyou everyone for supporting us.  We had a lot of fun and it was a good way for us to be able to remember Phil together.   

Something random....
So once the numbers on this blog started to climb I decided that I wanted to get a picture of the number clicking over 33 333...and I did.... so here is the picture.... I waited quite a while to get this....

Right now Mum and Dad and Jenny are on holidays in Pt. Lonsdale.  I think Jenny is enjoying some quality time that she probably missed out on a bit while Phil was sick for so many years.  Melinda is currently in the middle of her first shift ever on the ward nursing, and I'm house sitting in Warragul on holidays. I'm not sure about the others but I know that Lovy and Sherryn both have holidays from uni this week.   

Well not sure what else I have to say, other than sorry that it has been so long between posts, and if you have managed to persevere to the bottom of this one I salute you.  

Kristen x